So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
