I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
