I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
