I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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