so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Oh god it's open bar.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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