I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
