Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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