yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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