I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
