1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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