if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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