i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My vagina is officially offended.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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