You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I supernannyed him into submission
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
