I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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