I showed him my bush... on skype.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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