he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
