i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
