..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize