and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
