Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
