Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
