quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
