Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i dont even know how to be here
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
