Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it's like iHOP with fire
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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