The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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