Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
