Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
