Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
