I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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