There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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