a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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