nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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