Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
