My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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