id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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