Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
