I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
honey bunches of taint.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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