There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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