Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
