there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
