That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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