I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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