I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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