Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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