All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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