Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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