Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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