Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
then he tried to convert me to islam
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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