Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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