I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
