Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
