I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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