If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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