I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please come you make the beer taste better
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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