but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
