i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So much rum. So many feels.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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