I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
