i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
