I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize