I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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