Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
